Promiscuous woman please have a seat…

“Cum Drops keep falling on my head…”

So I just watched the Karrine “Superhead” Stephans interview on the Tyra show today. I was quite disappointed because the interview wasn’t very long, and it wasn’t the all out catfight the media hyped it up to be. I’m quite sure Tyra cut a lot of the interview. But here’s a little play by play:

Tyra: So the reformed hoe Karrine is here today to talk about her book..Hoe come sit down!

*crowd claps on cue*

Karrine: Hello Trya, I’m just here today to talk about being a former whore. I just want to tell the truth.

Trya: So why did you name names hoe?

Karrine: Well Trya. I was just telling the truth..This wasn’t a tell all book, it was a tell some book. It wasn’t my intention for it to sell so well. But just to let all of you know I did make a lot of money; it is on NY Bestseller’s list, The Washington Times, and the Wall Street Journal. Hoes gotta eat too.

Tyra: Whatever hoe you knew what you were doing. Why did you say you loved these guys after they’d given you facials and kicked you out? What part of the love game is that hoe?!

Karrine: I was just telling the truth. I had to support myself.

Audience member: Why did you dedicate the book to your son hoe?

Karrine: I was just telling the truth. It was my story. He was with me when I was sleeping in a car. I’m also on the PTA I think everyone expects me to be ashamed.

Tyra: *WTF?! face* Hoe I don’t expect you to be ashamed, but you knew what you were doing when you wrote the book. I went easy on you today hoe, so don’t catch an attitude with me. I’ll get ghetto on yo ass like I did on Tiffany.

Karrine:I was telling the truth. I’m moody today

Tyra: Get off my stage hoe. Next up, Dennis Rodman, Chingy, and a professional groupie

Professional groupie yall

“In The Mix” just ain’t my cup of Flavor-Aide

No doubt Usher has been doing it big since I was rocking reversible First Down bubble coats and side ponytails back in junior high. I can even forgive the brother for a few mishaps *coughMYWAYvideo*..but lately I’ve been getting a case of “WTFs?!(what the fucks)” when I see the previews for his upcoming starring role in “In The Mix”. I have a few things to get off my B-cups..Where shall I begin…

WTF?! # 1: Urrrsher you are a million-fuckin-aire! Why o’ why are you running around in your Diesels and crisp button-ups getting shot in the shoulder for a nobody?. If you’re gonna sugar foot for some hoe, can it at least be Linsay LoHOE, or even Tara “my boobs are full of Jack Daniels” Reid, even Hilary “Kiss my i’m anorexic” Duff. Which brings me to my next WTF?!

WTF?! #2: Who is this broad? Her voice makes me dry heave and claw at the ears. And NO -all black men CAN NOT dance unless these ignant negros on Maury count. If you see her tell her Takeitoutside said “HOE SIT DOWN!!”

WTF?!#3. Sonn–err..Chaz Palminteri listen to me: You haven’t been cool since “A Bronx Tale”. No matter how many times black people quote you, invite you to the Vibe awards, and Murde–excuse me..”The Inc.” has used the movie as concept for Lloyd videos..YOU STILL ARE NOT COOL! Dinero wants his steez back. Now stop it before I give you a fucking slap!..(hahaha*shamleess moviequote*)

This movie looks like it just reeks of corn and ass. From the Scarface-esque poster to the previews. A bunch of guido/negro stereotypes and shitty bubblegum lines. My 14 year old sister wouldn’t even place her Pretty Ricky cd next to it for fear of even more WTF?! contamination.

Takitoutsidegives “In The Mix” one slice of pizza and 1/4 of 40 ounce

T.I. : From pimp cups to wine glasses

I can’t help but notice the ever changing fashion of T.I. Is it me, or shouldn’t he be considered best improved of 05′. Da’ hell with Skateboard P

That man is beautiful..No matter how scrawny he may be. I’d ravage his lil lightskinde-ded ass..Too bad he’s allready in the clutches of Tiny the pit bull:

*sigh*

Happy Thanksgiving!: HAM’s O’plenty at the 2005 AMA’s

Now I don’t usually watch the AMA’s but I definitley peeped the pics and have plenty of glazing to with these fresh HAM’s

Here’s our first nominee:

*Now I happen to like Missy Elliot. But WTF? is this monstrosity. She looks like the Hunchback of Notre Damn!-You look a Hot Ass Mess. Now why in the blue hell she decided to come out like that we’ll never know. But whatever happened. Get well Missy (mentally as well).

Our next Nominees:

*Serena looks like a HAM as usual..

*Kelly looks nice. I just can’t get over that big water jug she calls a head. Where is B and Tumblelina (Michelle) when ya need em?!

*Bow Wow looks like he could be one of their children. And I know his momma taught him better than to come out the house dressed like that. This ain’t the Vibe awards negro, go put on a suit and tie. Tryna feel on some asses he can’t handle. Last, why isn’t he with our next candidate for HAM of the week:

*Now Ciara always manages to look like a deer caught in the headlights. Beautiful she is, but would someone please teach this girl how to pose?! You don’t have to vouge or act goofy, just be yourself. As for her attire, it looks like she forgot to take off that sheet she had on in the Lose Control video- I can’t hate on the boots though. They’re hot.

NEXT!

*Jada Jada Jada; such a beautiful women yet an unflattering “Jada Rocks!” pose. Save it for the band baby! Not the red carpet.. I don’t wanna ever see this picture again YOU UNDERSTAND ME Jada–EVAR!!

Caption this pic

Time to wrap this shit up B!!Now that the glazing is over..lets carve. Happy Thanksgiving Haters!!!

PSA: My name is Keshia bitch!

Not Ke-shee-ah. Kee-sha. Say it with me class: Keeeeee-sha. One more time: Keeeee-sha

Professors are the worst. I know my name is hood common, it may even be a little difficult to pronouce to the untrained caucasian eye. Add the “La” on to the beginning (which I usually don’t do) and now my name is “Lake-shee-ah”..WTF? give me kit kat bitch. If you don’t know how to prounouce it, just say you don’t and spare yourself the wrath of “the black girl eye and neck roll” that Rud–err Keshia of the Cosby Show so accurately displays. Get it? Got it? GOOD!

Load up the boat pa! It’s Noah’s Arc

Yes, yes yes…Americas first black gay show..Sorta like a gay “Sex in the City” without all the the estrogen(or maybe). Ya know, I was getting tired of the influx of gay shows telling me how to “shop this way” or decorate that way” but If loving this show is wroooong..I don’t wanna be right. Noah is too cute to be true. Don’t you just wanna play with his little man breasts and sip a cappuchino with him?-I know I do. Wade seems to have a stick up his ass (yes pun). Alex just amuses me to no end. I haven’t seen this many gay folk since I went to the Destiny Fulfilled tour. Whatchu’ know ’bout 7 people (4 gay men 3 straight women) lapping it (and trust NOBODY sat on us women’s lap) in a ‘95 Toyota Corrolla?!–Nothing! I heard so many “bitches” that night, I thought it was a rap concert.

Takeitoutside gives Noah’s Arc two snaps and circle!

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It’s official. Tyra banks officially hung up her wings and her modeling shoes today. I thought I was going to break down in a heap of sorrow right in front of my monitor. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a big Tyra fan; or as I like to call her “Miss Tyra.” Sure she can be silly and ditzy sometimes, but hey– Look at her!! She’s beautiful, she eats (food not crack *ahemkatemoss*), and she’s got real lady lumps unlike..*cough*

Not to mention she’s a great role model to young women with ANTM and her camp T-Zone. And let’s not forget how she laid the smack down on Naomi Campbells candy ass last Friday. What’s not to love about her?! I’m so grief stricken right now, I can’t even type straight.

*sobs*

I feel like screaming my head off!!!

Job hunting is definitely the pits and I ain’t talkin ’bout peaches. Over the past 2mths I’ve booked an interview damn near every week. Each time I go on one I get the usual crap:

1. Fill out an application even though I filled it out online already (the smug asshole)
2. Computer literacy test- (Motherfucker if I couldn’t use a computer how did I email my resume???- asshole)
3. Stare at the wall
4. Pretend to be interested in an old REDBOOK magazine with Judith Light on the cover dated March 97′
5. Glance at your competition (I see you picking your nose-asshole)

Alas, the moment of truth: THE INTERVIEW

*doom doom doom*

Some smug asshole of “authority” comes out all cherry and happy and shakes your hand, Sluggish from their Arby’s lunch and Red Bulls drink (like these people actually do work-spare me!). You sit down in the coffee and ink stained chair and crack a smile faker than K-Fed’s love for Brittany Spears. You stare at their office surroundings. Pictures of seemingly happy children, lopso opso’s, vacation pictures to Aruba. And bam here come the questions. I answer them honestly as possible without making myself look like a slothenly money whore. But here’s what I’d say if I didn’t need the money and could pay my TMobile bill just by pissing people off:

Q1. So why do you want to work for _________ Co/Inc.?
A1. Because I need money bitch! Whattaya think I’m all dressed to the nines for?
Q2. What would you say are your strongest and weakest qualities?
A2. My strongest qualities are…are..Who gives a fuck? Just hire me. Next question please.
Q3. What would you bring to this team/Co.?
A3. Lots and lots of food to my desk to snack on while I do absolutely nothing but waste company time updating my blog and ask the office idiot meaningless questions I know he doesn’t know the answers too..You could share those snacks with me, ya know. I know you don’t do any work here asshole.

There you have it..in a nutshell.I would get the job, and live happily ever after like the rest of America..Thee perfect interview. Now if I could just find the perfect job, i’d be fine. But until then, I’ll just suck it up and suppress my lazy ways until I get my foot in the door.